Remembering our Angels

This post has popped on my Facebook feed quite a bit over the past week. It caught my attention and I thought to myself, as someone who has experienced numerous miscarriages (can we find another term for that?) and delivering a stillborn, I REMEMBER my angel, Jordyn Rose EACH & EVERYDAY. Not just a day that is dedicated to remembering these losses.

I appreciate the education and the intent around making this a topic folks will be more inclined to speak about but those who have experienced this loss think about it every single day.

I remember us trying to start a family and after about a year and a half of trying, without any luck, we decided to see a fertility doctor to learn more. I think a few weeks after our first visit, we found out we were pregnant!!!

Everything seemed to be as expected. Had that first appointment with my OB/GYN, heard the heartbeat, had the ultrasound where the pictures tell the gender – we found out we were having a little girl! Things seemed to progress “normal” and we started to make plans. We thought about names, we visioned what her nursery would look like. We imagined she would have dark, curly hair like mommy. We dreamed up how we would spoil our little princess. Yankee would cuddle up with my belly and I remember the first time he felt her kick, he jumped and starred at my belly with this questionable look (picture the puppy head tilt).

I remember Thanksgiving weekend. My family was here for the weekend (we typically hosted Thanksgiving) and Clay, my mom and I decided to start putting together our baby registry. We were so overwhelmed. Apparently new babies need a TON of stuff…. Clay put more little princess clothes on the registry than one little girl would ever need. He was so excited!

Fast forward just a few weeks….

I remember having a nice evening at a work holiday party. I remember waking up the next morning and not really sure the last time I felt her move or kick. We went about our day: errands, some more baby girl shopping and at lunch time I ate something sweet, a few hours later, something with a little kick. Nothing, I didn’t feel her that whole day. Clay called the doctor and he explained she could be turning and this could be “normal” but go to Winnie tomorrow first thing tomorrow (my doctor was affiliated with Winnie Palmer Hospital) because it’s not worth the stress.

Sunday, December 10, 2007

We got up and went through our morning routine. We drove to the hospital and checked into the triage area. When they were finally able to see me, they did an ultrasound. We couldn’t hear anything; I was facing forward so I could not see anything. The nurse excused herself at that time and we waited. Someone came back in the room and asked how I was doing. I asked if someone would tell me what was going on. The response was “we are waiting for your doctor.” Apparently he was the only person who could tell me something was wrong with our baby.

He called Clay and told him there was no heartbeat and they would have to induce me and deliver the baby. My doctor was out of the office but I would be in excellent hands at Winnie.

The rest of the day was a blur. I was admitted and taken to a room. I was given medicine to induce the pregnancy and I was given other medicine to help with the pain. The physical pain anyway. I think I was in and out of sleep due to all the meds.

At some point, people were yelling for me to push. I recall a calm nurse lowering the noise in my room. Clay was by my side and my Mom was there. My dad was in the waiting room. Eventually a beautiful baby girl with a head full of hair was given to me to hold for a few minutes. She looked like a baby doll. She was so small. She was so lifeless.

The next day, we were discharged from the hospital and we headed home. Headed home from the hospital without our baby girl. My parents stayed for a few days. Yankee just sat by my side and cuddled with me.

I don’t remember all the details following the next few weeks but I remember feeling empty and like a failure. I remember spending hours in silence and just crying. I remember all the dreams and plans we were making for our baby girl.

I remember this each and everyday.