Turn the A in fat to an I and get fit 💪🏻

I have always been the chubby, cute one. I have always looked in the mirror and wanted to look skinnier or make my legs smaller and my boobs bigger. I have always struggled with body dysmorphia but I didn’t know that was a thing until about a year ago. My best friend was commenting on how I looked more muscular and she could see all of my work at the gym and in the kitchen coming together. I replied with “I still have a long way to go.” She just shook her head and stated you have a mental illness called body dysmorhpia.

According to a google search, body dysmorphia is a mental illness involving obsessive focus on a perceived flaw in appearance.

Well that made me pause and reflect on how I have seen myself my entire life. Never pretty enough, never skinny enough. It made me sad and then I remembered a quote that always made me smile. “If you were able to believe in Santa for 8 years, you can believe in yourself for 5 seconds.” Well that seems pretty reasonable. Even for this Jewish girl who never celebrated with Santa.

As far back as I can remember, I struggled with my weight. The scale was and continues to be both motivator and nemesis.

In 2005, I stepped on the scale and saw 167, the highest number I have ever seen stare back at me. In that moment, I was sad, frustrated and disappointed in myself. I let that number rule me. In that same moment, I signed up for weight watchers and started learning about portion control and calories. Not all calories are equal and my body reacts to foods in different ways. I lost 30 pounds in 8 months and kept it off…. until we decided to start a family (more on that in future posts).

Over the past 13 years, my weight has gone down to 137 and back up to 170. I have tried various forms of dieting, intermittent fasting, pills, weight-loss gummies, teas, every mobile app out there to hold myself accountable. You name it, I have probably tried it. Oh and that scale, my husband threw it away. What the HELL was I going to do now.

Let me pause and share that my husband is a smaller build; he weighs 140 pounds, about 10% body fat, has abs and the lines that make the girls (and boys) go stupid. He can eat a whole pizza and a box of donuts and then go for a run and not gain a thing. Let me also say that he is my biggest ally and supporter on my wellness journey. He tossed the scale and told me “there is more to you and your gorgeous body than that scale.”

Anyway, I have found SOME peace but I work at it each and every day. Most of the people who know me, know I work out every day. Some level of lifting weights, cardio and high intensity interval training. I actually LOVE to work out. It’s my “me” time each morning; it kick starts my body and it helps clear my mind for what will come throughout the day.

Most people don’t know that I struggle with food and sugar addiction (well maybe people do know this about me…). It is a daily struggle with my food choices. Food is my biggest weakness and I am constantly trying to make sense of all the information and sometimes noise out there. I log what I eat daily, almost obsessively to make sense of what works for my body and what doesn’t.

I continue to make great friends who inspire me, hear amazing success stories that motivate me but I still challenge myself to take it one day at a time. I am trying to change the A in fat to an I and focus on being fit. I am currently 160 pounds, I have seen a decrease in body fat and an increase in muscle mass. My clothes fit better and I have gone to a size 8/10. I do still have a long way to go but small changes happen every day.

And so I have some cloudy days but I look forward to the days where the sun shines through…

#fitandfabinmy40s #gettingstrongereveryday #thereisalwaysabrightside #fitmom #onedayatatime