Kitchen Time with Wendi

The word struggle as a verb means “to make strenuous or violent efforts in the face of difficulties or opposition.” When we struggle, we create resistance. There is no joy; there is rarely a reward.

Your struggles can be overcome and ultimately become part of your past. These experiences make you the person you are and the person you will become. The attitude and mindset you take while facing struggles matters a lot and make a huge difference in your life for good or not so good. It is very easy to fall into a stressful mode or negative state of mind during times of struggle.

We all have our struggles. The loss of Jordyn Rose (my angel baby) was a huge struggle on me as a woman, a mom-to-be and the loss of someone I loved and never even met. The bond with my unborn daughter was special. I had visions of her beauty. I had thoughts on her personality (which would be one of sass and smarts). We started making plans of parent life and what it would be like to start our family.

The fertility struggle took its toll physically and emotionally. From the shots and medicine and weight gain to every month getting a period and feeling devastating pain all over again.

When we did get pregnant it was bitter sweet. We were so excited to experience pregnancy and the What If plans but equally nervous it would all come tumbling down.

Three weeks before AJ was born, my mom was killed in a car accident. The loss of my mom was a struggle that is still really hard to put into words. Eight years later and I still struggle on so many levels. As a daughter, a best friend, a confidant and frankly just needing my mom as I grow older is a constant struggle.

Over the past few months, our lives have been shaken. A global pandemic with Covid-19, so much unrest in our country around human rights and frankly feeling shut in as we continue to work from home. My emotions get the best of me on many days but this past week, I had a particularly rough day. I tend to pour into everyone around me both personally and for work. I was having this internal pitty party as I was feeling as if no one pours into me the same way. As I was feeling sorry for myself, I decided to reach out to 5 of my friends via our group chat. We all reach in when needed and the others provide a judgement free and no questions asked environment.

I quickly realized that I don’t ask to be poured into and if I don’t ask for help when I need it, my dearest friends don’t know that I am struggling. I am learning that one of my biggest struggles is actually asking for help (which could just be an ear to listen). Maybe it’s ego. Maybe I don’t want anyone to know I don’t have it all together. Maybe I am afraid others will think less of me.

I am working on this, but it is not easy…

What do you struggle with? Do you find it easy to ask for help? Do you have your small village to call on?

Don’t always be the girl who lends an ear, know when you need to be the girl who needs an ear.

As far back as I can remember, I always had something going on. Between school and sports, religious school and youth group, to volunteering and part-time gigs, I was always running from one thing to the next. As an adult, I continue this trend only now it’s in the form of my corporate job, my side hustle, volunteering on a board of directors and then the typical household management and family things.

We. Are. Busy. Busy taking care of other humans. Busy managing one activity to the next. Busy making sure everyone else is taken care of. But for some reason, we always seem to lose sight of ourselves in the process.

Why is that?

I am going to share 5 tips for self-care that will help you find a little bit of time to focus on YOU. Besides, if you aren’t the best version of yourself, how can you be the best daughter/sister/wife/mom/coworker/friend for someone else?

1. Create a daily routine. You know that calendar/planner/post-it notepad you use to jot stuff down? Schedule 5-15 mins and block some “ME” time. Finding a few minutes to meditate, write in your journal or frankly just sit in the quiet will do wonders for your well-being.

2. FaceTime with your bestie. Or a family member. Find a way to connect with loved ones for a few minutes each week. Sharing the good, the bad and the ugly with your person can help with your sanity.

3. Shop Online. Whether it’s a gift for yourself or for that upcoming holiday, do some online shopping. I love the ease of being able to shop wherever I am. My favorite stores and brands right at my fingertips helps me save time and money.

4. Read something everyday that sparks a little joy and inspiration. Whether it’s a quote or your daily horoscope, take a few moments to find motivation or humor in each day.

5. Bake some yummy treats. Cook your specialty dish. If you are already in the kitchen, find a way to have fun with food and then please share your recipe with me.

As an HR professional and forever learner, I always want to be a better and stronger leader. I want to provide guidance and mentorship. I want to cultivate relationships to learn with and learn from others. I want to create a safe space, both physically and psychologically. I think leadership sets the tone in every relationship, both personally and professionally.

According to Webster’s Dictionary, the word lead is a verb and has a few meanings: (1) to guide on a way especially by going in advance of; (2) to direct on a course or in a direction; (3) to direct the operations, activity, or performance; (4) to have charge of.

In taking the verb to create the noun, leadership, there were so many definitions it became a little overwhelming. I decided to go with the definition that described someone I would follow…

I work with many leaders. Seasoned leaders at executive levels who share their journey of ups and downs; their successes and failures. I also work with leaders that are just beginning their experience and seeking to understand their own style and approach.

I am sure many of you have participated in an activity and shared words & characteristic to describe your ideal leader, someone you could follow. Using some of the most popular words, here is a word cloud to describe an ideal leader.

Over the past week or so, I have been thinking a lot about leadership. I believe that a good leader leads by example. I think a good leader takes ownership of whatever they lead (their team, their department, their organization, their company, their country). If something fails, it’s on the leader to take a stand and own that failure. I don’t think a leader has to know everything and have all the answers, but a good leader will keep smart people around who can help find the answers to those questions. I believe a good leader will have people around that look and think differently. A good leader needs to have varying points of view so they can talk and strategize through all impact of decisions.

Leadership is important as most individuals want someone they can follow. They want to believe in a vision that they can relate to and help bring to life. A good leader can articulate that vision and help others to achieve a common goal that all can be proud of.

I will end with this quote on leadership by Douglas McArthur. “A true leader has the confidence to stand alone, the courage to make tough decisions, and the compassion to listen to the needs of others. He/she does not set out to be a leader, but becomes one by the equality of his/her actions and the integrity of his/her intent.”

#myworldmywords #mythoughtsmywords

I spend a lot of time thinking and reflecting. Thinking about the world around me, how people treat others, about the role I play in their world. Reflecting on who I am and what I want to be. For myself, for my husband and most of all for my son.

I went to sleep last night thinking, what do I dream of? I wasn’t really sure and I fell asleep a little sad.

We spent the weekend in north Georgia in the mountains, relaxing, hiking and enjoying our time as a family. It was really nice to getaway from the everyday back home (which is different than a year ago) and a gorgeous change of a scenery.

Since March 16, I have been working remotely as the world figures out Covid-19 and how to heal the world and still find a way back to “normal.” As an HR professional, I have furloughed hundreds of employees and closed down operations. As we begin to reopen with many new ways of working and new rules of interacting with others, I am happy to help return many employees back to work. We still have thousands to go, but everything is a process.

There is a dim light at the end of tunnel, at least my optimism tells me there is an end in sight. I loved seeing AJ build his first fire. It was exhilarating to hike trails with my boys and watch AJ appreciate all the beauty that nature provides (and it kept his attention for hours away from his iPad). I want to visit small towns and eat great local cuisine. I want to sit on a porch swing and read a good book. I want to hear the calls of birds under the sun and watch the glimmer of the stars sitting around a crackling fire. I want to feel the cool air while listening to soft music in the background.

I dream of being able to travel and explore the world with my best friend and little man.

Transformation is not always visual. I spent this past week at Movara Fitness Resort in Utah. I had no idea what to expect from a week at what many call “fat camp.” People questioned why I was going and why I was there. I was there to find a way to reset and focus on me without any distractions from my everyday life. Life can be complicated and stressful and this week has taught me many things. Things about fitness and what it can do for my body; things about nutrition that seem so obvious but still hard to live by. And finally things about my perception about myself and how it impacts my daily thoughts, both the good and the bad. While I did lose a pound, I also gained 2 pounds of muscle and I lost inches all over, it was relatively minimal and not really noticeable.

All that said, here are my takeaways from a week at Movara Fitness Resort.

• I can hike! I am a Florida girl all the way. Give me flat landscapes and sunny weather all year round. This week was cold and rainy and all our walking was uphill. I hiked on thick sand, I climbed up rocks and while my legs are sore, they have this amazing strength to keep on going no matter how hard it got.
• People can actually eat 1300 calories throughout the day and feel full… if you eat nutrient dense foods. I am really excited to bring back new recipes, which include peanut butter cups and s’mores (well s’more since you only get one) and focus on meal planning so I can still enjoy my favorite treats (gummies and jellybeans) every so often.
• There is something to be said for Mother Nature! We are surrounded by some of the most stunning scenery. There is something about walking up a mountain and hearing the sounds of a water flowing in a nearby stream. The feel of the sun on my face as I approach the top of a cliff. Pictures help capture the memories but being a part of God’s beauty is just beyond description.
• Find a support system! Whether a family member, a trainer, a best friend or a staff member at a resort. Knowing there is someone who has your back no matter what really helps push you. I am so lucky that my husband did this trip with me. We each had our own reasons and purpose for the week but we had each other. It doesn’t matter if it’s for weight loss, eating smarter or just living a balanced, healthier lifestyle, bringing these learnings home will be easier because we are rooting each other on.

I sit alone in my car with my thoughts and music is playing in the background. In fact, music is always playing in the background. I hear songs all the time and think about the soundtrack of my life.

Music is always there; To celebrate a birthday and every holiday season. Music pushes me through a workout and brings closure to a break-up. There are special songs to remind me of my first love, my first kiss, my first time and the first dance at my wedding.

Music reminds me of the many relationships in my life. There are songs that speak to the special bond I had with my mom when she was alive and songs that talk about how much I miss her now that she’s gone. There are many songs about the heartache I feel for my stillborn daughter and the woman I always dreamed she would be. I have nightly dance parties with my 6 year old as we sing our favorite songs at the top of our lungs. My husband and I sing songs and speak in lyrics as we laugh together. There is always a song to help us get through a day full of tears.

I love attending concerts and dancing the night away to my favorite bands as music comes to life. I enjoy singing every song in every Disney movie I know by heart. Musicals make the world go round! And every movie has that one song that makes that memorable, award-winning scene.

The soundtrack of my life changes every few minutes as those many songs from many different genres play in the background.

This post has popped on my Facebook feed quite a bit over the past week. It caught my attention and I thought to myself, as someone who has experienced numerous miscarriages (can we find another term for that?) and delivering a stillborn, I REMEMBER my angel, Jordyn Rose EACH & EVERYDAY. Not just a day that is dedicated to remembering these losses.

I appreciate the education and the intent around making this a topic folks will be more inclined to speak about but those who have experienced this loss think about it every single day.

I remember us trying to start a family and after about a year and a half of trying, without any luck, we decided to see a fertility doctor to learn more. I think a few weeks after our first visit, we found out we were pregnant!!!

Everything seemed to be as expected. Had that first appointment with my OB/GYN, heard the heartbeat, had the ultrasound where the pictures tell the gender – we found out we were having a little girl! Things seemed to progress “normal” and we started to make plans. We thought about names, we visioned what her nursery would look like. We imagined she would have dark, curly hair like mommy. We dreamed up how we would spoil our little princess. Yankee would cuddle up with my belly and I remember the first time he felt her kick, he jumped and starred at my belly with this questionable look (picture the puppy head tilt).

I remember Thanksgiving weekend. My family was here for the weekend (we typically hosted Thanksgiving) and Clay, my mom and I decided to start putting together our baby registry. We were so overwhelmed. Apparently new babies need a TON of stuff…. Clay put more little princess clothes on the registry than one little girl would ever need. He was so excited!

Fast forward just a few weeks….

I remember having a nice evening at a work holiday party. I remember waking up the next morning and not really sure the last time I felt her move or kick. We went about our day: errands, some more baby girl shopping and at lunch time I ate something sweet, a few hours later, something with a little kick. Nothing, I didn’t feel her that whole day. Clay called the doctor and he explained she could be turning and this could be “normal” but go to Winnie tomorrow first thing tomorrow (my doctor was affiliated with Winnie Palmer Hospital) because it’s not worth the stress.

Sunday, December 10, 2007

We got up and went through our morning routine. We drove to the hospital and checked into the triage area. When they were finally able to see me, they did an ultrasound. We couldn’t hear anything; I was facing forward so I could not see anything. The nurse excused herself at that time and we waited. Someone came back in the room and asked how I was doing. I asked if someone would tell me what was going on. The response was “we are waiting for your doctor.” Apparently he was the only person who could tell me something was wrong with our baby.

He called Clay and told him there was no heartbeat and they would have to induce me and deliver the baby. My doctor was out of the office but I would be in excellent hands at Winnie.

The rest of the day was a blur. I was admitted and taken to a room. I was given medicine to induce the pregnancy and I was given other medicine to help with the pain. The physical pain anyway. I think I was in and out of sleep due to all the meds.

At some point, people were yelling for me to push. I recall a calm nurse lowering the noise in my room. Clay was by my side and my Mom was there. My dad was in the waiting room. Eventually a beautiful baby girl with a head full of hair was given to me to hold for a few minutes. She looked like a baby doll. She was so small. She was so lifeless.

The next day, we were discharged from the hospital and we headed home. Headed home from the hospital without our baby girl. My parents stayed for a few days. Yankee just sat by my side and cuddled with me.

I don’t remember all the details following the next few weeks but I remember feeling empty and like a failure. I remember spending hours in silence and just crying. I remember all the dreams and plans we were making for our baby girl.

I remember this each and everyday.

I have always been the chubby, cute one. I have always looked in the mirror and wanted to look skinnier or make my legs smaller and my boobs bigger. I have always struggled with body dysmorphia but I didn’t know that was a thing until about a year ago. My best friend was commenting on how I looked more muscular and she could see all of my work at the gym and in the kitchen coming together. I replied with “I still have a long way to go.” She just shook her head and stated you have a mental illness called body dysmorhpia.

According to a google search, body dysmorphia is a mental illness involving obsessive focus on a perceived flaw in appearance.

Well that made me pause and reflect on how I have seen myself my entire life. Never pretty enough, never skinny enough. It made me sad and then I remembered a quote that always made me smile. “If you were able to believe in Santa for 8 years, you can believe in yourself for 5 seconds.” Well that seems pretty reasonable. Even for this Jewish girl who never celebrated with Santa.

As far back as I can remember, I struggled with my weight. The scale was and continues to be both motivator and nemesis.

In 2005, I stepped on the scale and saw 167, the highest number I have ever seen stare back at me. In that moment, I was sad, frustrated and disappointed in myself. I let that number rule me. In that same moment, I signed up for weight watchers and started learning about portion control and calories. Not all calories are equal and my body reacts to foods in different ways. I lost 30 pounds in 8 months and kept it off…. until we decided to start a family (more on that in future posts).

Over the past 13 years, my weight has gone down to 137 and back up to 170. I have tried various forms of dieting, intermittent fasting, pills, weight-loss gummies, teas, every mobile app out there to hold myself accountable. You name it, I have probably tried it. Oh and that scale, my husband threw it away. What the HELL was I going to do now.

Let me pause and share that my husband is a smaller build; he weighs 140 pounds, about 10% body fat, has abs and the lines that make the girls (and boys) go stupid. He can eat a whole pizza and a box of donuts and then go for a run and not gain a thing. Let me also say that he is my biggest ally and supporter on my wellness journey. He tossed the scale and told me “there is more to you and your gorgeous body than that scale.”

Anyway, I have found SOME peace but I work at it each and every day. Most of the people who know me, know I work out every day. Some level of lifting weights, cardio and high intensity interval training. I actually LOVE to work out. It’s my “me” time each morning; it kick starts my body and it helps clear my mind for what will come throughout the day.

Most people don’t know that I struggle with food and sugar addiction (well maybe people do know this about me…). It is a daily struggle with my food choices. Food is my biggest weakness and I am constantly trying to make sense of all the information and sometimes noise out there. I log what I eat daily, almost obsessively to make sense of what works for my body and what doesn’t.

I continue to make great friends who inspire me, hear amazing success stories that motivate me but I still challenge myself to take it one day at a time. I am trying to change the A in fat to an I and focus on being fit. I am currently 160 pounds, I have seen a decrease in body fat and an increase in muscle mass. My clothes fit better and I have gone to a size 8/10. I do still have a long way to go but small changes happen every day.

And so I have some cloudy days but I look forward to the days where the sun shines through…

#fitandfabinmy40s #gettingstrongereveryday #thereisalwaysabrightside #fitmom #onedayatatime