Reflection

September has always been a month of reflection for me. September is my birthday month so I review the past year and hope I am a little wiser with age. September is also the start of a new year; Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, which has always been a special time for me both spiritually and emotionally.

Every year I try to find a new connection with Judaism on a personal level with God and on a family level with traditions for Clay and AJ.

Ever since my mom died, Judaism has been hard for me. Everything about my connection with Judaism is tied to my relationship with my mom. We talked everyday but part of those conversations was planning for an upcoming holiday. Plans about where we would be, what foods would be around the table, who would be joining us and what I was wearing to synagogue. The holidays were always a time for family, big meals and just being together.

Now that she is gone, I don’t head to south Florida to be with my immediate family. There really aren’t any big meals and I haven’t really found a synagogue that feels like home.

Clay and I have tried to create our own traditions. One year we had dinner with friends, all the traditional foods – challah, matza ball soup, brisket, apples & honey. It was great and I was grateful we were able to celebrate with friends. Another year, I went to services and tried to feel like I belonged but I sat by myself and although a few people said hello, that connection was just not there.

This year, I didn’t even light candles. I love lighting candles for the holidays and this year I did nothing. It was just another normal Sunday night getting ready for the week ahead.

I still reflect on how to be a better person, give more, take less. Listen more, be a more thoughtful wife, a more patient mom, less critical of others, less critical of myself. I think about the people I have hurt in the past year and find ways to reach out and ask for forgiveness. I make goals for myself to learn something new, be a better role model for AJ, connect more with my brothers and call my dad more.

I did take Yom Kippur off (the day of Atonement) which is next week and I will spend the morning in services, asking God for forgiveness. I will find forgiveness in my heart for others. I will spend the day in my own thoughts. I will cry at various points in the day. I will think of my mom and ways to make her proud. I will think of my grandparents who have instilled Judaism in my heart. I will think of Jordyn Rose and the little girl she might have been. I will light a candle in memory of those who are in my heart always.

Thoughts and prayers for a happy and healthy new year!